List of one-liners
# Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. # Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told. # A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. # I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you. # Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. # Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. # Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. # The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. # Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. # Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. # Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear. # The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. # A babysitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers. # Assassinationg is the extreme form of censorship. -George Bernard Shaw # An archaeologist is someone whose life is in ruins. # An antique is a thing which has been useless for so long that it is still in good condition. # Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers! # What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table. # What if there were no hypothetical questions? # No matter how busy people are, they are never too busy to stop and talk about how busy they are. # There's only one thing worse than feeling inferior, and that's being able to prove it. # I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. # We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. # I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. # If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. # Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often. # Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. # A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. # Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? # I consider "On Time" to be when I get there. # If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it? # To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. # How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? # I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian # God must love stupid people. He made SO many. # The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! # Laugh at your problems, everybody else does. # Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. # If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then let's get wasted together and have the time of our lives. # I'll procrastinate later. # I slept like a baby last night.... Waking up every 3 hours crying for food. # Make crime pay. Become a lawyer. # Answering Machine: "Hi! I'm probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message. If I don't call back, it's you." # A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. # Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. # A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." # Middle age is when work is a lot less fun, and fun is a lot more work. # Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married. # Life is like a Lambourghini. It goes too fast and it costs too much. # Which is worse, ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? # When in doubt, mumble. # I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. # Teamwork gives you someone else to blame. # I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. # Yoga class is great. You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your couch not doing Yoga. # Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. # Procrastination has it's good side. You always have something to do tomorrow. # Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push. # The only problem with troubleshooting is, sometimes, trouble shoots back # Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away. # My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician. # Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. # Constipated people don't give a crap. # A dog who attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show. # Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. # You live and learn. At any rate, you live. # I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. # I don't mind the rat race. But I could do with a little more cheese. # If you were any slower, you'd be going in reverse. # One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. # Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes # Worrying works! 99% of the things I worry about never happen # I get my large circumference from too much pi. # Man is peculiar. He spends a fortune making his home insect-proof and air-conditioned, and then eats in the yard. # Old programmers never die. They just lose their memories. # Sometimes, "I'll get back to you on that" means "I'm going to hide under my desk and hope an idea pops into my head." # When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? # My idea of a high stress job is any job where you have to work with other people. # Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time. You won't have a leg to stand on. # Don't steal. That's the government's job. # Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning. # Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'? # I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there. # I'm in shape. Round is a shape isn't it? # They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck. # A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. # Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? # If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? # Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. # One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others. # My pc's bark is worse than it's byte. # Bumper Sticker: Older, Wiser and Just Generally More Annoying. # If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people. # What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A cereal killer # If it's really a supercomputer, how come the bullets don't bounce off when I shoot it? # Caffeine is for people who feel they aren't irritable enough on their own. # I could lend a hand but I prefer to give a finger. # Anyone who says an onion is the only vegetable that will make you cry has never been hit in the face with a pumpkin. # Support your local Search and Rescue Unit. Get lost. # Love at first sight is easy to understand. It's when a couple have been looking at each other for years that it becomes a miracle. # Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. # People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves. # There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you. # A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised. # We can't all be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sidelines and clap as they go by. # Look people I don't like exercise so I'm not going to walk a mile in your shoes. I'll judge you standing right here. # A pessimist is someone who looks at the land of milk and honey and sees only calories and cholesterol. # Sign at the Cash Register: IN GOD WE TRUST All others pay cash. # Don't follow in my footsteps. I walk into a lot of walls. # What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover? A rash of good luck. # Love your enemies. Just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of jerks. # Some things man was never meant to know. For everything else, there's Google. # Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. # Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW! # There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives. # Born Free........Taxed to Death. # My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower. I told him of course he could, as long as he didn't take it out of my yard. # Life is like a doughnut. You're either in the dough or in the hole. # A candidate is someone who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. # An egotist is someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. # Your gene pool could use a little chlorine. # Without ME, it's just AWESO. # The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. # If the economy is slowing down, how come it's so hard for me to keep up with it? # No wonder newborn babies cry. They've got nothing to eat, no clothes and they already owe the government money. # You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg. # You should work eight hours, play eight hours and sleep eight hours. But not the same eight hours. # One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and is too stubborn to ask for directions. # Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. # I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you. # Conference, n. The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. # Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock. # My biggest problem with the younger generation is I'm not in it. # My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her. # Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. # Some open minds should be closed for repairs. # If you need space then work at NASA. # Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement. # It's okay to let your mind go blank; but please turn off the sound. # If at first you don't succeed, buy her another beer. # Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. # I don't love salsa dancing. I love salsa just the way it is. # A dollar saved is a dime earned. The rest is taxes. # Why do doctors call what they do "practice?" # You know that feeling you get after a really rewarding day at work? Could you describe it for the rest of us? # The best measure of someone's honesty is the zero adjust on their bathroom scale. # Mail your packages early so the Post Office has time to lose them before Christmas. # I've tried a lot of diets. But my body keeps rejecting them. # Christmas trees are like men. They don't look as good once you get them home. # My love life is like a fairy tale—it's grim. # So, this 'One Laptop Per Child' thing. Where do I drop off the child and where do I pick up the laptop? # The best way to succeed in life is to start from scratch and keep scratching. # Every once in a brownish-purple moon, I worry that I might be colorblind. # I'm beginning to think that if opportunity ever does knock, it'll be because it has to use my bathroom. # Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics and Windows for solitaire. # Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you. # Television is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done. # When I asked you for a flower, you gave me a garden... When I asked you for a stone, you gave me a statue... What are you... deaf? # Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures. # Judge: Silence in the court! The next person who shouts will be thrown out. Prisoner: Hallelujah! Category:Jokes